That's what I'm still trying to figure out. When did it start? I have heard how everyone possessed feels like, but I just can't seem to find the same kind of indifference and anger in myself.

[Probably because having to face himself and recognize to himself that he actually did this on purpose scares him more. He's in denial]

I heard what was said about Dojima today during the trial. Maybe it was something like that -- I was having thoughts about the apples for a couple weeks already.