You wanted to be loved so badly you just... stamped out parts of yourself completely? It's fine if the person they love isn't the one you originally would've been, just as long as they manage to love you at all?
[ he smiles a little bit here, but it's more rueful now. taking a longer sip from his glass ]
And now it feels like I've tricked everyone here into caring about me, even though I know it's not that simple. I don't want to turn away their kindness.
If that's really how you've made yourself...? I wouldn't call it a trick. To yourself, maybe, but I'm pretty sure you know most of the people here would've cared anyway.
[hell, they fuss over her, and everyone knows what she's like.]
If you ask me, it's more sad than selfish, buuut I don't see love as something worth making yourself less for.
I think you did, sure. Emotions like that-- they're what people want sometimes. They'd want you to feel angry on their behalf, or they'd be fine with spite driving you to do something.
[sips again, before-]
You don't show anything negative, so what's the contrast in your positives? And if you try to love everyone... of course anyone would end up questioning whether they'd just be sharing that love of yours with everybody else.
I know. It's why I asked for you to feel angry on Adolphe's behalf for me.
[ sometimes he wishes he could be a person who could feel those things. ]
You're not wrong. I just don't know how to change who I am anymore.
[ he shattered his own brain and emotional processing in the face of trauma and then put it together desperately once already, he's not sure if he can do it again ]
[ he raises a brow at that and gives her a smile ]
The fact that you'd think to help at all is enough for me. [ even if she can't, the fact that there is a ghost of an offer in her words does mean a lot to him ]
Maybe I will one day. But... even if I don't, I'm lucky to have met the people I have.
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[she takes a longer sip, mulling over that.]
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[ he smiles a little bit here, but it's more rueful now. taking a longer sip from his glass ]
And now it feels like I've tricked everyone here into caring about me, even though I know it's not that simple. I don't want to turn away their kindness.
But sometimes... the thought crosses my mind.
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[hell, they fuss over her, and everyone knows what she's like.]
If you ask me, it's more sad than selfish, buuut I don't see love as something worth making yourself less for.
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[ and he is fond of them, and he perks up a little bit again at that. ]
But... it's good that you don't. I like you the way you are. I'd rather that no one end up like me. It's a bit pathetic.
[ a strong word that he can use, because it is about himself. ]
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[hey, he said it, not her.]
You only made it harder on yourself in the end, you know that, right?
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[ looks thoughtful ]
Maybe. I think I'm difficult to love for a lot of reasons.
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[sips again, before-]
You don't show anything negative, so what's the contrast in your positives? And if you try to love everyone... of course anyone would end up questioning whether they'd just be sharing that love of yours with everybody else.
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I know. It's why I asked for you to feel angry on Adolphe's behalf for me.
[ sometimes he wishes he could be a person who could feel those things. ]
You're not wrong. I just don't know how to change who I am anymore.
[ he shattered his own brain and emotional processing in the face of trauma and then put it together desperately once already, he's not sure if he can do it again ]
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[it's just not what she's made for. wiš'adel is herself a force of change, but not a very peaceful one.]
Guess you could just find someone who makes up for it.
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The fact that you'd think to help at all is enough for me. [ even if she can't, the fact that there is a ghost of an offer in her words does mean a lot to him ]
Maybe I will one day. But... even if I don't, I'm lucky to have met the people I have.
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[it is she's just huffy that he caught the hint of an offer in it]
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Oh, sorry. What did I misunderstand?