[ and he does believe this! claude was so sad about loving him but not loving him! he doesn't want to say that those emotions weren't valid or right. he'd said as much to jacopo - if yves has gotten a 'no', he does want to respect it.
but every time they talk about love or romance, claude seems surprised by something. it makes yves wonder how much claude knows about love, when just weeks ago he didn't see the point in it at all. maybe he still doesn't. or maybe there's something else. and it's this 'maybe' that yves gets trapped in, but at least he can recognize that's not claude's fault.
and he would've been happy keeping all this to himself if his thoughts didn't work against him ]
... I think I just can't stop my hopes from getting up, sometimes. [ even if I don't want them to ] But that's my problem. Not yours. I don't want that to change things.
[ His expression softens, a trace bit of guilt there. He's always had a hard to communicating clearly with others. Even when he lays it all out, sometimes there are misunderstandings.
Well, he's spent 18 years keeping everything locked up, close to his chest. It only makes sense that there are still imperfections in how he tries to connect with others. ]
I'm sorry, Yves. I know that I can be confusing.
[ Like, he's definitely aware. ]
But like you said to me, you don't have to figure it out. You can always just ask me, and I'll be as transparent as I can.
This is what I was trying to avoid... I didn't want you to feel bad about anything... I really do think that in this situation, it's my fault.
[ fussing immediately, pouting about it even as he squeezes claude's hand. there is a lingering thought of am I afraid to ask? like he's not sure about himself but.
no, the uncertainty will probably just injure him worse. ]
... can I tell you what I think is happening, and you can tell me if I'm right or wrong?
[ well. he did already have this conversation with someone else, so it's not too bad. ]
he just smile and tangles their fingers together, intertwining them. ]
I think you're amazing. [ sure, why not start with something gay like that ] I was talking with Zuriel about you, after you left us. I ended up saying a lot of things, and making a lot of assumptions, and she told me that I should probably get them cleared up just in case.
But... I've always thought that you're more than capable of love. You feel so strongly about things—but I think they're more like concepts. Country, duty, fairness. It's just that finding one person must be difficult, given that you have to protect so many, so I was wondering if maybe you just didn't think of it at all.
... I do believe you love me, though. As a friend, definitely. I'll even say as a best friend, because that's how close to you I feel.
I... guess I don't know if you love me more than that, or if you won't let yourself love me more than that. Or if it's just that I'm not the person you're looking for... which I think is possible, too.
What did I say back then... I said something like 'Claude is someone with such a wide worldview, but I'm someone who can only see the people in front of me.' So I wouldn't be surprised if you thought I'm not a good match, or I'm not the one you want.
What do you think?
[ and he tilts his head, wondering. he'd given his appraisal of claude before, and thought his accuracy was pretty good. but this...? this is something where he tries to put all the pieces together, and he's not sure what does or doesn't fit quite right. at what point his ego or insecurities might affect how he looks at things, because he does have both in spades. oh to be simultaneously arrogant and yet keep his expectations so low.
[ It's strange every time Yves talks about him in such clear terms... He can't say if there's anyone who wanted to, or tried to understand him at such a level. Not that he blames his friends from Leicester, they were all political figures with certain priorities, but it's so unique.
Everything about being here is unique. Kind of like a dream.
Sometimes he does wonder if he's capable of love. He doesn't think that he's suited for it, genuinely. He has too many ambitions and too little time, and he doesn't need the hassle of introducing someone new to the political ecosystem he's embroiled in.
But he does think he can still feel it. He trusts Yves to the point that it's a little scary, given how much it goes against his instincts, and he's grown to care for the people here more than he thought possible. He knows what heartbreak feels like now. ]
I don't think I'm a good match for anyone, right now. [ Not said derisively, but just acknowledging the lack of attention he could give to a romantic relationship. ]
And I do think I might ignore that feeling if it were to arise, but.... Honestly, Yves, after everything. After me and you being killed, and everything you told me about your guilt after I died... If I loved you that way, I wouldn't hide it anymore. I want you to have the love story that you deserve, more than I am afraid of what a relationship like that might mean for me.
I wouldn't keep that from you to protect myself. Because you are my greatest friend, truly.
despite everything, yves breathes a sigh of relief. ]
... mm. I should've guessed.
[ there is still some small part of him that feels a little unlovable, that feels like it's a little uncanny how unlucky he can be in love. to find someone who loves him back that he can't have. to find someone who loves him back but not in the right way. to find someone who loves him back but not in the right way and also loves someone else. maybe if he wasn't so desperate, it'd be enough to drive someone else mad.
but... he's wanted to be loved. and somehow, against all odds, he's still found that.
yves lets go of claude's hand but it's just so that he can stand and give him a hug. ]
You, too. Thank you for telling me.
[ it's enough to set his anxiety at ease and not be afraid of what ifs. this is as clear as it can be. (though gamaliel's voice rings in the most treacherous part of his brain, pointing out that most romantic loves bloom from platonic—nah. no. no more of that.) ]
I've always wanted to be your friend more than anything else, so I'm glad for this. And I'll never love you any less.
[ maybe it'll shift forms, and this yearning edge to it will fade until one day it disappears completely. (it won't. he is too loyal and romantic at heart for such a thing.) but he's very sure that he will always love claude so much that it makes his ribcage creak with the weight of it ]
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I didn't want to admit that.
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What do you mean? [ ? ] Am I confusing you?
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[ and he does believe this! claude was so sad about loving him but not loving him! he doesn't want to say that those emotions weren't valid or right. he'd said as much to jacopo - if yves has gotten a 'no', he does want to respect it.
but every time they talk about love or romance, claude seems surprised by something. it makes yves wonder how much claude knows about love, when just weeks ago he didn't see the point in it at all. maybe he still doesn't. or maybe there's something else. and it's this 'maybe' that yves gets trapped in, but at least he can recognize that's not claude's fault.
and he would've been happy keeping all this to himself if his thoughts didn't work against him ]
... I think I just can't stop my hopes from getting up, sometimes. [ even if I don't want them to ] But that's my problem. Not yours. I don't want that to change things.
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Well, he's spent 18 years keeping everything locked up, close to his chest. It only makes sense that there are still imperfections in how he tries to connect with others. ]
I'm sorry, Yves. I know that I can be confusing.
[ Like, he's definitely aware. ]
But like you said to me, you don't have to figure it out. You can always just ask me, and I'll be as transparent as I can.
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[ fussing immediately, pouting about it even as he squeezes claude's hand. there is a lingering thought of am I afraid to ask? like he's not sure about himself but.
no, the uncertainty will probably just injure him worse. ]
... can I tell you what I think is happening, and you can tell me if I'm right or wrong?
[ well. he did already have this conversation with someone else, so it's not too bad. ]
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He does frown a little at the thought, and then nods. ]
Okay, if it'll help clear things up.
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he just smile and tangles their fingers together, intertwining them. ]
I think you're amazing. [ sure, why not start with something gay like that ] I was talking with Zuriel about you, after you left us. I ended up saying a lot of things, and making a lot of assumptions, and she told me that I should probably get them cleared up just in case.
But... I've always thought that you're more than capable of love. You feel so strongly about things—but I think they're more like concepts. Country, duty, fairness. It's just that finding one person must be difficult, given that you have to protect so many, so I was wondering if maybe you just didn't think of it at all.
... I do believe you love me, though. As a friend, definitely. I'll even say as a best friend, because that's how close to you I feel.
I... guess I don't know if you love me more than that, or if you won't let yourself love me more than that. Or if it's just that I'm not the person you're looking for... which I think is possible, too.
What did I say back then... I said something like 'Claude is someone with such a wide worldview, but I'm someone who can only see the people in front of me.' So I wouldn't be surprised if you thought I'm not a good match, or I'm not the one you want.
What do you think?
[ and he tilts his head, wondering. he'd given his appraisal of claude before, and thought his accuracy was pretty good. but this...? this is something where he tries to put all the pieces together, and he's not sure what does or doesn't fit quite right. at what point his ego or insecurities might affect how he looks at things, because he does have both in spades. oh to be simultaneously arrogant and yet keep his expectations so low.
might as well ask claude to clear it up. ]
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Everything about being here is unique. Kind of like a dream.
Sometimes he does wonder if he's capable of love. He doesn't think that he's suited for it, genuinely. He has too many ambitions and too little time, and he doesn't need the hassle of introducing someone new to the political ecosystem he's embroiled in.
But he does think he can still feel it. He trusts Yves to the point that it's a little scary, given how much it goes against his instincts, and he's grown to care for the people here more than he thought possible. He knows what heartbreak feels like now. ]
I don't think I'm a good match for anyone, right now. [ Not said derisively, but just acknowledging the lack of attention he could give to a romantic relationship. ]
And I do think I might ignore that feeling if it were to arise, but.... Honestly, Yves, after everything. After me and you being killed, and everything you told me about your guilt after I died... If I loved you that way, I wouldn't hide it anymore. I want you to have the love story that you deserve, more than I am afraid of what a relationship like that might mean for me.
I wouldn't keep that from you to protect myself. Because you are my greatest friend, truly.
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despite everything, yves breathes a sigh of relief. ]
... mm. I should've guessed.
[ there is still some small part of him that feels a little unlovable, that feels like it's a little uncanny how unlucky he can be in love. to find someone who loves him back that he can't have. to find someone who loves him back but not in the right way. to find someone who loves him back but not in the right way and also loves someone else. maybe if he wasn't so desperate, it'd be enough to drive someone else mad.
but... he's wanted to be loved. and somehow, against all odds, he's still found that.
yves lets go of claude's hand but it's just so that he can stand and give him a hug. ]
You, too. Thank you for telling me.
[ it's enough to set his anxiety at ease and not be afraid of what ifs. this is as clear as it can be. (though gamaliel's voice rings in the most treacherous part of his brain, pointing out that most romantic loves bloom from platonic—nah. no. no more of that.) ]
I've always wanted to be your friend more than anything else, so I'm glad for this. And I'll never love you any less.
[ maybe it'll shift forms, and this yearning edge to it will fade until one day it disappears completely. (it won't. he is too loyal and romantic at heart for such a thing.) but he's very sure that he will always love claude so much that it makes his ribcage creak with the weight of it ]