He slows to a stop, though is still idly holding Yves' hand as he does. Oh.
He's not sure who to feel sorry for - Adolphe, dead; Lucas, dead; or Scien, tortured. Yves, alone. Perhaps Yves, as much as Scien had become what he would ultimately become (not knowing yet).
Yves, though, is trapped in a place he understands, before and now. Loneliness.]
he does know this one well enough. he can't bring himself to smile, but he does turn to viktor and his expression is one of... is it softness? or vulnerability? both?
he squeezes viktor's hand ]
... it's alright. I chose it. So I'm not sure I can accept apologies.
[He watched a lot of that from this side, yeah. Hehe. Not hehe for him or them, but hehe for me.]
I am not so sure. Are you really, or are you pretending so others don't worry?
[Peering.]
I can see you are yet another one for the ranks of trying to change my mind about emotions. But what you've been through is almost proof of my belief. I'm sure you will say that is what made them who they were to you, though.
[ he smiles a little bit then and squeezes viktor's hand back ]
Well... why don't you go first? I don't want to be aggressive, I guess I just want to understand. The same way that I think... I didn't understand Scien soon enough, and I lost him.
[He regards Yves thoughtfully for a moment, and then he lifts his other hand and cups it over the top of Yves's he has held in his hand already.
Rather than a reflected surface, a memory is pushed straight into Yves's mind. Viktor already feels like a cold thing. Industrial. Neutral. A strange layer of suppressive film has been laid over Yves's brain, something unnatural.
He knows that the man in front of him, Jayce, is someone whose life has been intrinsically bound with his own. He also knows it is odd to see such an expression on Jayce's face - a primal one, a disgusted one.
And as he lies on the floor, the blurred silhouette of Jayce in the distance, it dawns on him:
I understand now, he thinks to himself. The message hidden within the pattern. The reason for our failures in the commune. The doctor was right; it's inescapable: humanity. Our very essence. Our emotions: rage, compassion, hate. Two sides of the same coin. Inextricably bound.
That which inspires us to our greatest good is also the cause of our greatest evil.
Viktor is pulling away his top hand when Yves opens his eyes again. This only explains some probably, but it's a start.]
two memories shared of two sets of friends leading to each other's demise. though it's not lost on him that in viktor's, he's the only one to pay the price. it is confusing, and yves wonders what could have caused jayce to take this action, but.
he's not afraid of whatever just happened. sure. wipe away his brain a little or whatever. he still just holds onto viktor's hand and gives it a squeeze as he blinks, coming back to himself. ]
... and so you think that emotions that drive us are also what lead us to harm each other. To be in absence of them, we would be more peaceful.
[Sometimes, friends kill each other... It's fine? It's fine.]
Yes.
[He still is under the impression Yves will disagree, but only because so many others have scolded him for the same thing. They aren't wrong necessarily; it just makes him feel a bit more frustrated and stubborn.]
It must first begin with me. Of course, I'm dead... but if I wasn't, I would need to transcend who I was in order to help others do the same.
.... you know, in order to try to be someone who could be loved, I mangled myself a bit.
[ the admission comes surprisingly easily, not something he's necessarily ashamed about but rather a statement of fact ]
I twisted myself into a person who shed the emotions that I didn't think were helpful to me. The ones that would make me harder to love.
Anger, spite, jealousy, hatred... [ he names them off like they're foreign entities, things that he hasn't truly gotten in touch with for so long ] I ended up getting rid of them all.
Even now... I think I haven't felt those things in over a decade.
[He regards Yves quietly, listening. It's hard to tell what he is thinking, though now Yves probably understands it's because something foreign has dampened how much he emotes.]
Did it work?
[First of all. The scientist still somewhere inside him.]
Maybe? I'll never know. [ a beat ] People have told me that I am loved here, so I do know that I've made myself more palatable to people. That's true.
Some people tell me they wish that I didn't do that to myself, because they think they could still love me if I kept those emotions. But how will we know? Sometimes I find myself getting twisted up in that...
[He nods a little, acknowledging, understanding. Viktor cannot be one of the few who have told Yves he could be loved with the negative emotions which may make him a completely rounded person.
Viktor still thinks, maybe, they should all be gone. Even the "good" emotions can cause not idealistic problems. Scien may have been a great example of this. (back to the singed voice of doing terrible things for love)]
You wouldn't change it? Despite feeling the pain of loss of everyone important to you?
Well... those are the times I've regretted it. [ a little sheepish ] When Adolphe died, I... I couldn't find my hatred. I couldn't find my anger, even though he's my best friend in the whole universe. I thought that if I was a good friend, I should be angry on his behalf. I should feel something.
... and I think it's amazing that he understood and doesn't hold it against me, even when I was being... me.
[ adolphe is really the most understanding person in the world, for yves ]
So... I guess I mean to say I'm not trying to aggressively change your mind, I just hope you can be open to my perspective as someone who has let go of some of his emotions.
Is it truly living and honoring the people we cherish most if we proceed in the world without feeling for them? Is that really living, or is it just existing? Can we enjoy all the world has to offer—friendship, community, love—without them...? Or is that just empty peace?
I would hope to make a world where someone would never have to be angry a friend died.
[Lucas would kill him on the spot for this, but so be it.]
Emotions are not necessary when there is peaceful equality. It causes disorder.
[Only... the peaceful equality is a forced hivemind, a servitude. Dreamless solitude. He does not realize this error completely yet. He does from everyone hounding him, but he has not seen its truth.]
... I do think you're the only one who gets to make it to your own conclusions. I've just seen what society looks like when emotions start to get stripped away—there might be peace to a degree but...
[He wants to protect them all so badly from themselves, but it means putting them in an astral cage, a false dream. It means leaving himself as the sole survivor, the god watching the flock.
Until he realizes, suddenly, he's alone.]
Are they really that important to all of you? Suffering the terrible just to have a few tastes of the good?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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We haven't spoken much is all. I didn't expect you to be wandering. I thought you would be with Adolphe.
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[ he can be honest but he'll reach his hand out for viktor's ]
But can we walk and talk? I think that us being penpals does count for something, though...
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[He allows his hand to be taken, not necessarily because he s a hand holder, but because he understands Yves must be.]
There is only so much you can know from letters.
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I learned that you're a generous and funny person from letters. That's a good start, isn't it?
[ with a smile ]
... but you're right. I didn't think about how much you'd remind me of Scien.
[ just
just fuckin says it ]
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I don't know about that, but thank you.
[The humility score is for something else.]
Scien...? The friend you admire?
[He's going to get a Scien memory, isn't he...... He can feel it in his bones.]
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ok have it ]
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He slows to a stop, though is still idly holding Yves' hand as he does. Oh.
He's not sure who to feel sorry for - Adolphe, dead; Lucas, dead; or Scien, tortured. Yves, alone. Perhaps Yves, as much as Scien had become what he would ultimately become (not knowing yet).
Yves, though, is trapped in a place he understands, before and now. Loneliness.]
I am sorry, Yves.
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he does know this one well enough. he can't bring himself to smile, but he does turn to viktor and his expression is one of... is it softness? or vulnerability? both?
he squeezes viktor's hand ]
... it's alright. I chose it. So I'm not sure I can accept apologies.
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[He glances up slowly.]
Things are different for you here, I imagine.
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I don't know. Slipping? Like things were escaping my fingertips again?
[ to have so many friends die, over and over again ]
... I really am okay now, though.
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I am not so sure. Are you really, or are you pretending so others don't worry?
[Peering.]
I can see you are yet another one for the ranks of trying to change my mind about emotions. But what you've been through is almost proof of my belief. I'm sure you will say that is what made them who they were to you, though.
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That emotions are what made my bonds with people, you mean...?
I haven't even tried to talk to you about them yet, Viktor...
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[But he understands.]
It's true, you haven't. I apologize. It's just... so man have been quite aggressive about changing my mind. Those like you who love other people.
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Well... why don't you go first? I don't want to be aggressive, I guess I just want to understand. The same way that I think... I didn't understand Scien soon enough, and I lost him.
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Rather than a reflected surface, a memory is pushed straight into Yves's mind. Viktor already feels like a cold thing. Industrial. Neutral. A strange layer of suppressive film has been laid over Yves's brain, something unnatural.
He knows that the man in front of him, Jayce, is someone whose life has been intrinsically bound with his own. He also knows it is odd to see such an expression on Jayce's face - a primal one, a disgusted one.
And as he lies on the floor, the blurred silhouette of Jayce in the distance, it dawns on him:
I understand now, he thinks to himself. The message hidden within the pattern. The reason for our failures in the commune. The doctor was right; it's inescapable: humanity. Our very essence. Our emotions: rage, compassion, hate. Two sides of the same coin. Inextricably bound.
That which inspires us to our greatest good is also the cause of our greatest evil.
Viktor is pulling away his top hand when Yves opens his eyes again. This only explains some probably, but it's a start.]
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two memories shared of two sets of friends leading to each other's demise. though it's not lost on him that in viktor's, he's the only one to pay the price. it is confusing, and yves wonders what could have caused jayce to take this action, but.
he's not afraid of whatever just happened. sure. wipe away his brain a little or whatever. he still just holds onto viktor's hand and gives it a squeeze as he blinks, coming back to himself. ]
... and so you think that emotions that drive us are also what lead us to harm each other. To be in absence of them, we would be more peaceful.
Am I... understanding a little bit more, Viktor?
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Yes.
[He still is under the impression Yves will disagree, but only because so many others have scolded him for the same thing. They aren't wrong necessarily; it just makes him feel a bit more frustrated and stubborn.]
It must first begin with me. Of course, I'm dead... but if I wasn't, I would need to transcend who I was in order to help others do the same.
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.... you know, in order to try to be someone who could be loved, I mangled myself a bit.
[ the admission comes surprisingly easily, not something he's necessarily ashamed about but rather a statement of fact ]
I twisted myself into a person who shed the emotions that I didn't think were helpful to me. The ones that would make me harder to love.
Anger, spite, jealousy, hatred... [ he names them off like they're foreign entities, things that he hasn't truly gotten in touch with for so long ] I ended up getting rid of them all.
Even now... I think I haven't felt those things in over a decade.
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something foreign has dampened how much he emotes.]
Did it work?
[First of all. The scientist still somewhere inside him.]
Do you regret it?
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Maybe? I'll never know. [ a beat ] People have told me that I am loved here, so I do know that I've made myself more palatable to people. That's true.
Some people tell me they wish that I didn't do that to myself, because they think they could still love me if I kept those emotions. But how will we know? Sometimes I find myself getting twisted up in that...
But... I've only regretted it sometimes.
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Viktor still thinks, maybe, they should all be gone. Even the "good" emotions can cause not idealistic problems. Scien may have been a great example of this. (back to the singed voice of doing terrible things for love)]
You wouldn't change it? Despite feeling the pain of loss of everyone important to you?
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... and I think it's amazing that he understood and doesn't hold it against me, even when I was being... me.
[ adolphe is really the most understanding person in the world, for yves ]
So... I guess I mean to say I'm not trying to aggressively change your mind, I just hope you can be open to my perspective as someone who has let go of some of his emotions.
Is it truly living and honoring the people we cherish most if we proceed in the world without feeling for them? Is that really living, or is it just existing? Can we enjoy all the world has to offer—friendship, community, love—without them...? Or is that just empty peace?
Those... are the things I wonder.
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[Lucas would kill him on the spot for this, but so be it.]
Emotions are not necessary when there is peaceful equality. It causes disorder.
[Only... the peaceful equality is a forced hivemind, a servitude. Dreamless solitude. He does not realize this error completely yet. He does from everyone hounding him, but he has not seen its truth.]
But I understand what you're saying. I hear you.
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... I do think you're the only one who gets to make it to your own conclusions. I've just seen what society looks like when emotions start to get stripped away—there might be peace to a degree but...
It somehow feels a little lonely, even so.
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Until he realizes, suddenly, he's alone.]
Are they really that important to all of you? Suffering the terrible just to have a few tastes of the good?