noirges | yves & dan

Please. By then I didn't have anything that I loved.

Do you think that it's impossible to find something to love again?

[ huffs, almost a bitter laugh ] For me? Yes.

[ tilts head ]

Can I ask... why?

Have you really felt no changes in yourself over the past few weeks? [ a hand goes up ] Not to be accusatory but just... I think it's almost harder to stay the same here.

[ scoffs ]

What does it even matter? All of this is temporary anyway. [ whatever feelings he might have about people here, it won't matter anymore soon enough ]

It doesn't have to be.

[ . . . ]

Your soul can go with someone you care for, if you don't want to say goodbye.

[ his brain does a record scratch ]

What?

[ nods ]

That's what God said. If your soul is redeemed, and it's supposed to be a culmination of all the little things that have happened here... you can go to another world.

So... the things we do here—it does matter. It's not for nothing. You don't have to lose everyone.

[ hm. ]

Maybe you don't. There's no way I'm getting "redeemed."

See, that's the thing...

I talked to God and they said that it sounds like some people have given up on redemption, because of the way everything's worked out...

But... they said we shouldn't. We should still try, and I do think you're among that number.

That might be the case for some people. But I'm not the kind of thing you can redeem.

I don't think you're a 'thing'.

[ first of all ]

... and I know that other people have mentioned this to you but... I really don't think you need to be someone perfect or friendly to be redeemed.

[ rolls his eyes at the first part like sure jan ]

Then what is it, huh? And don't just say "making an effort to be better," because that's a copout answer.

[ he looks thoughtful at that, trying to be sincere ]

... if I'm going to be honest with you, I never liked the idea of being 'better' to begin with. I don't know what it means. I think people are fine as they are. If you were able to exist without any actual regrets or qualms, I don't think that's a problem until you started hurting people.

[ . . . ]

It's just that... you seemed so unhappy in your memory.

So I suppose... a version of yourself where you get to be happy, without losing being you.

[ wow!!!! he bristles, tense and clenching his fists ]

That's some real wishful thinking. Like that's even possible.

[ tilts head like confused dog hoping something will make sense from a slightly rotated angle ]

Why isn't it?

[ he just glares and doesn't answer. thankfully this week is thoughtsh--oh this thread was set in w5, nvm ]

...it's not who I am. I don't get happy.

[ . . . yves will just reach out to place a hand on his shoulder tentatively? ]

How about... a little less upset?

[ a beat ]

I know that sometimes, when you're in the thick of it, it can feel impossible to dream of anything getting better. I'll keep hoping for you, but I know it can be hard.

So... how about little steps? A little less upset, and then content, and then maybe, one day or someday, happy.

[ pulls his shoulder out of reach and just gives yves a Look ]

Don't patronize me.

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to.

... I really do mean every word, Brimstone.

Well, you can hope for every word of that all you want.

But the best I can ever hope for is survival. Nothing more, nothing less.

Okay.

Then let's start with survival.

Can't survive without giving redemption a shot, right? Even if it's just trying to figure out how to survive.

What do you think I've been doing?! That's all I've been doing!

Do you think it's still not enough for redemption then?

How the hell should I know? God keeps saying "oh you're not disqualified" but there's no way to know if you've met their criteria, whatever it may be. [ laughs bitterly ] It's not like there's an answer key to this.

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noirges - 2025-03-31 04:46 (UTC) - Expand

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