yves & claude

[noirges]

Comments

[noirges]

[ hmmm

he just smiles a little sadly at that ]

... I didn't mean to be cruel. I just thought our circumstances were too much for me to stand. If that was the case, I wanted to let others have an option of voting someone who wouldn't be upset with them... because I think I'd be more upset with myself if I didn't offer at all.

But I can see where I made things muddier. I'm sorry.

And even if you just say others... I'm sorry for being cruel to you, too.

[midway]

[ He's quiet a moment. ]

I don't know if I want an apology, if you don't believe what you did was wrong.

[noirges]

[ looks thoughtful about it ]

Can I think an action is both right and wrong?

[midway]

I'm not opposed to nuance, but I think it's a case by case situation.

So, what do you mean?

[noirges]

I think it’s wrong to make people worry that I don’t value my life, or to make you all think I don’t want to be here with you. That my care has been insincere. I also think it’s wrong to give people another impossible option that they would hate themselves for taking, like removing an entirely innocent life.

[ which he is despite my constant attempts at being suspicious ]

So for those reasons, I think I can see how what I did is more wrong than right in the aftermath.

[ a beat, and he frowns ]

But I don’t think leaving Anders between the impossible decision of voting for a girl who acted in self-defense and voting for someone he loves is right.

[ he runs a hand through his hair, now frustrated ]

… I don’t like thinking about things in wrong or right either. But I don’t want you to think I’m cruel… but if I am, then…

[ what leg does he have to stand on? ]

[midway]

That Anders was in a difficult situation makes your reaction understandable. That's not the same as being right.

[ For all the reasons Yves mentioned. ]

I get it. I get not wanting to see someone hurt, and wanting to give whatever it takes to help. And I get making that decision without thinking how an entire room full of people will take it.

[ Takes another sip, feeling tired. ]

... I don't know. It's not like it's my place to say what you can and can't do.

[noirges]

[ he doesn't think anything anyone can do here is right or wrong. he's not as good at being objective. every decision hurts someone, and tonight was proof enough of that.

when it comes down to it, he's not sure if he and claude can see eye to eye on what he did. he's also not entirely sure that matters when at the core of it— ]

But your opinion matters to me. And if I upset you, I do want to know.

And I do want to make things better... if there's a way to.

[ claude being unhappy with him feels so unbelievably bad ]

[midway]

[ His finger taps against the glass, still agitated. Still finding it so hard to put the emotions into words. ]

I don't think it should matter so much. My opinion, that is.

[ ... ]

I'm not as selfless a person as you.

[noirges]

If you didn't want your opinion to matter so much to me, you shouldn't have let me like you so much.

[ claude's fault? but also... sincere. he'll then try to bridge some of that gap, reaching for claude's hand that's not tapping the glass. ]

... but I don't want you to be. I don't want anyone to be. No one should be like me.

[midway]

[ His other hand is in the sling so it might be a little awkward... But he can. ]

Why do you say that?

[noirges]

[ the fucking sling that yves made and i already forgot about. claude get your arm fixed for handholding reasons.

his hold will be a little loose because he's more careful about hurting claude, but he really got so used to being close ]

I do think I'm a twisted person. I do things that are troublesome because I try so hard to love others. It probably makes me really annoying to deal with. [ said like he's heard this from someone else before.... ]

Isn't that part of why you're unhappy with me today?

[midway]

[ WHEN WILL THERE BE HEALING!! That said I haven't even asked the mods. ]

Sure, but I don't see how that makes you different from any other person in existence.

People are difficult. And they're annoying. And sometimes they're wrong. A lot. [ His brows furrow, some of his frustration starting to make sense. ] That doesn't diminish the value of their life.

[noirges]

... do you think I don't? See the value in my own life.

[ if that's what it's starting to boil down to ]

[midway]

I think you're very hard on yourself for the things that have happened to and around you.

To the point of devaluing yourself, yeah.

[noirges]

[ he looks thoughtful for a moment before giving claude's hand just a little squeeze ]

... I've been told I can be reckless. Maybe this is one of those moments.

But I don't want to die. I want to be here with you.

[midway]

[ Looks at him, lips pursed. ]

I don't think you want to die, Yves.

But I'm not sure that you're desperate to live either.

[noirges]

[ unfortunately



that's fair. ]

... I don't really have much to go back to.

But I did have fun living. I'm having fun here, when we aren't being put through Hades-inspired torture rituals for 9 hours. I don't want anyone to think that they're easy to leave behind... none of you are.

I think I just feel guilty, comparing my uncertainty with everyone else who knows exactly what they want redemption for.

[midway]

[ That's not particularly surprising to hear. ]

Do you think that's okay, to feel that way?

[noirges]

[ ? ]

Is there such a thing as a wrong way to feel?

[midway]

I suppose not.

But, for example, I can't imagine it's a good thing to go around feeling like you should die all the time either.

So I guess what I'm asking is do you think you should try and change that guilt?

[noirges]

I still don't think I should die...

[ but

he is apathetic to it, in a way that does feel dangerous and concerning to the people around him. and yves can at least recognize that it's making him a bother to others, which he does dislike. even if in the end, he's still just thinking of others and not himself. ]

But it sounds like you think I should change. [ a little squeeze of claude's fingers ] How?

[midway]

[ He blinks, looking startled. ]

I mean, I don't know. You don't really need to change just because someone tells you to, anyway.

[noirges]

[ okay? yves raises a brow and leans a little on claude's uninjured side ]

Oh? So you'll give constructive criticism without a way forward? Claude...

[ though his tone is obviously teasing, as if trying to make this just a little bit lighter ]

... I'm not against trying. I can't promise results, because I don't know how to find a reason to live either. But... I know how sad it's been making people, for me to say that I'm uncertain. I don't like that feeling either.

I'd rather not be a twisted person who just accepts making the people I love so sad for me.

[midway]

[ He doesn't rise to the teasing, instead wondering if Yves is right. ]

I was just sharing my perspective.

[ Which happened to be critical... He's bad with people... Takes a break to gulp his wine. ]

Regardless... ultimately, it's in your hands how you want to exist.

[noirges]

[ not the gulp. yves just watches ]

... I know. I just... I don't want to give you another reason to be stressed or worried. You have enough on your plate without me adding to it.

I'm glad you told me. I hope you can forgive me, but I'll do my best to earn it, too.