...I was worried. Everyone was, but as bad as it feels now, I think it would've been worse if you got the most votes. Not just because we would have been wrong, either.
[ it isn't right to base your vote on who you personally like, but everyone's a little guilty of it. even now, when they found the right culprit. ]
I think I'm really lucky to be cared for this much.
[ because yves wouldn't have minded getting votes. he made that clear the week before with his offer. he's not bothered at the idea of getting voted for. but after everyone scolded and worried over him this week, he found—
this week, he didn't want to risk it. didn't want to make them all feel sad, voting for someone they didn't want to lose ]
...When you said that you don't feel pain. Was it because of the fire, or did something else happen? [ quickly, he adds, ] I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but... I didn't know.
[ there's a lot he still doesn't know about yves, he thinks. ]
... I don't mind. It's just a little sad, but if you're okay hearing it, I'm okay telling it.
It was a little after the fire. I could still feel pain for a little bit but... people reacted really badly to my scar. I think something in me... broke a little bit.
But after that, I stopped feeling pain. Nothing hurts anymore, physically. So I don't notice if my injuries re-open, or if I get injured at all.
I do. I feel pressure and touch. [ gently bonks his head against laurence's as if that proves that ] Most of my physical sensations are still here, it's just pain.
[ . . . ]
... though I think I'm... abnormal in other ways.
[ and it's because laurence has done so much that yves is even opening the door to this conversation, if laurence wants to open it ]
... I got rejected by a lot of people after the fire. The scar made my family abandon me. The orphanage didn't deal with me well either. It was really lonely.
[ and yves says this all with simplicity, even if he's trying to be gentle. he knows it's upsetting to hear for others. ]
So one day... I realized how badly I wanted to be loved. When I came to that feeling... I decided that I would love everyone, in hopes that maybe one day I'd find someone who'd love me.
When I did... I got rid of things that made me harder to love. That would make it harder for me to love others, too. Anger. Contempt. Hatred.
I don't... really feel those things anymore. [ it's why he is truly so adoring with everyone, so rarely annoyed and never truly spiteful ] But I know that makes me strange.
[ laurence listens in silence, a knot tightening in the pit of his stomach. ]
That... is really strange. [ and probably not healthy? it's a little concerning? ] That you don't feel those things. But wanting to be loved... I don't think that's weird.
[ everyone wants to feel loved. laurence always did, too, but this - is it how iris felt, when he threw that bouquet to the floor and ran away? is it how he felt when laurence drew back in fear of guilt by proximity when iris wouldn't stop using his powers? is that why he made penny? ]
And I think the people here would care about you even if you did feel those things.
[ well. yves does not in agreement, the statement doesn't hurt because it's what he thinks too. that he's weird, twisted, strange, off-putting. as a person, they shouldn't be able to do this but -
he has. ]
... maybe. [ softly ] I do think people here are exceedingly kind and patient.
But I... don't know how to be any other way anymore. [ a little shameful ] Sometimes I want to and sometimes I... don't.
Everyone wishes they could be different sometimes.
[ unfortunate that he's a little too familiar with that, but a little too fearful to really make himself change. ]
It's still who you are now. Whether that's a good or a bad thing... I don't know. But it doesn't change that people still care about you, and they will no matter what.
[ mumbling a little this is a little too honest for a kid who's bad with feelings so he can use everyone else as a shield. it's feels safer to do it that way. ]
[ even if laurence can't really look in the eye while saying something so godawful cheesy. someone kill him next so he doesn't have to say things like this ever again. ]
...I really hope you're not a suspect again next week. You need a break.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 2, saturday
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... you really saved me, you know?
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[ it isn't right to base your vote on who you personally like, but everyone's a little guilty of it. even now, when they found the right culprit. ]
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I think I'm really lucky to be cared for this much.
[ because yves wouldn't have minded getting votes. he made that clear the week before with his offer. he's not bothered at the idea of getting voted for. but after everyone scolded and worried over him this week, he found—
this week, he didn't want to risk it. didn't want to make them all feel sad, voting for someone they didn't want to lose ]
Sorry to worry you.
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...When you said that you don't feel pain. Was it because of the fire, or did something else happen? [ quickly, he adds, ] I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but... I didn't know.
[ there's a lot he still doesn't know about yves, he thinks. ]
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... I don't mind. It's just a little sad, but if you're okay hearing it, I'm okay telling it.
It was a little after the fire. I could still feel pain for a little bit but... people reacted really badly to my scar. I think something in me... broke a little bit.
But after that, I stopped feeling pain. Nothing hurts anymore, physically. So I don't notice if my injuries re-open, or if I get injured at all.
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[ who feels that intensely about a scar? and toward a child? that's messed up!!
...he may not have been any better, though, which he. really hates to think about. laurence was never the most understanding person. ]
Do... Do you still feel other things?
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[ . . . ]
... though I think I'm... abnormal in other ways.
[ and it's because laurence has done so much that yves is even opening the door to this conversation, if laurence wants to open it ]
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What ways?
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[ and yves says this all with simplicity, even if he's trying to be gentle. he knows it's upsetting to hear for others. ]
So one day... I realized how badly I wanted to be loved. When I came to that feeling... I decided that I would love everyone, in hopes that maybe one day I'd find someone who'd love me.
When I did... I got rid of things that made me harder to love. That would make it harder for me to love others, too. Anger. Contempt. Hatred.
I don't... really feel those things anymore. [ it's why he is truly so adoring with everyone, so rarely annoyed and never truly spiteful ] But I know that makes me strange.
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That... is really strange. [ and probably not healthy? it's a little concerning? ] That you don't feel those things. But wanting to be loved... I don't think that's weird.
[ everyone wants to feel loved. laurence always did, too, but this - is it how iris felt, when he threw that bouquet to the floor and ran away? is it how he felt when laurence drew back in fear of guilt by proximity when iris wouldn't stop using his powers? is that why he made penny? ]
And I think the people here would care about you even if you did feel those things.
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he has. ]
... maybe. [ softly ] I do think people here are exceedingly kind and patient.
But I... don't know how to be any other way anymore. [ a little shameful ] Sometimes I want to and sometimes I... don't.
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[ unfortunate that he's a little too familiar with that, but a little too fearful to really make himself change. ]
It's still who you are now. Whether that's a good or a bad thing... I don't know. But it doesn't change that people still care about you, and they will no matter what.
[ mumbling a little this is a little too honest for a kid who's bad with feelings so he can use everyone else as a shield. it's feels safer to do it that way. ]
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yves smiles gently at that and lets his head bonk lightly against laurence's again. he'd love to believe that. ]
Thanks, Laurence. I do feel cared for here. Almost more than I ever have before.
And that is meaningful to me.
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[ even if laurence can't really look in the eye while saying something so godawful cheesy. someone kill him next so he doesn't have to say things like this ever again. ]
...I really hope you're not a suspect again next week. You need a break.