[ he'll go to help open the wine bottle then, thinking about it. does he want to talk about it? maybe. ]
... you can leave at any point if you want.
[ there is some worry that richie is here by obligation but... yves is selfish and greedy at heart. he doesn't want to let go. he wants to be loved so badly, even though right now when he doesn't deserve it in the slightest. ]
... I don't regret what I did. We'd just talked about it—how it's the right thing for someone's soul to be cleansed. I wish I could've done it so that I didn't scare everyone, but...
[ midtrials can't be signaled or else they just don't fucking happen ]
I just... betrayed my friend's trust. I told her I'd keep her secret. I'd protect her. She trusted me and only me...
[ yves is so warm and loving, it's easy to want to believe in him. but how horrible is it that this is what he'd do with it? ]
[Sorry, he wouldn't. Unless you suddenly unzip your skin and reveal you're the zodiac killer but what are the odds of that.
He listens quietly, gaze steady on him.]
...I know, it's...damn near impossible to reconcile. [He can't quite speak from experience, but he's got plenty imagination for it. Been next to it enough now that he knows what to expect.] But you gotta think about it from more than one angle. She was in pain, wasn't she? She didn't want to hurt anyone, but she was being made to.
And when we're told there's only one cure, then we've got very little choice. Especially when the risk is that she'd keep killing.
The girl may have trusted you with her secret, but frankly? At this point, protecting her means something very different than it would on any other day.
[His mouth thins. There's a guilty twinge in his gut — too many parallel conversations lately.]
Imagine not being able to trust your own thoughts. Waking up with blood on your hands and having something slinking around in your head, pushing you to keep at it, week by week. Sounds like hell to me.
[ . . . richie's right. and yves is ultimately such an emotional person. it's wonderful when all he feels is love and kindness and generosity for people, but when he gets swept up in his anxiety or despair, it runs away with him too. appealing to him through reason and facts is the right move—partially because, in truth, it's what adolphe would've done.
be reasonable.
so he listens even as he pours wine into glasses for them both, nodding along. it's everything he thought about too. there was no other way. he didn't want her to be in pain. it's all things he's thought through.
it's just... nice to hear someone else confirm that he was right to think at least a few of these things ]
... it is. When I was whisked away in Zuriel's memories... I was out of control for a while. I attacked the others with a sword. I hated it. I didn't want to be a puppet.
[ so it tracks that he wouldn't want that for anyone else ]
... she didn't want to hurt anyone... but she didn't want to die.
Richie will take his glass, but doesn't drink yet. Not until he gets a bead on how Yves is taking it. Which, as it turns out, is better than he'd hoped. There's a flash of protectiveness when he mentions being used himself. A pang of hurt, a little fresher — was that going to be the theme of these trips now? Pitting you against your people?
No matter. He's got enough problems in the here and now, no sense in borrowing more from anywhere else.]
I know. [He puts his glass down for the moment, slinging his arm around the boy's shoulder's, ducking his head to catch his eye.] And if there were a better one to give, we'd let her have it. I'm sorry. And I wish we could have helped. Both you, and her.
...If nothing else, we know for sure now that the dead aren't gone. It's not the end for her yet. And you haven't damned her soul, either. Quite the opposite.
the thing is that yves has been pulling back from people. earlier in the trial, he was the one giving out all the hugs. he was the comforting presence. so much and so often, he tries to make himself the comforting presence. but now people are afraid of him, in small ways, and that's made him pull away.
when richie offers the arm around his shoulders, he leans in automatically because in the end his soul is still twisted. he wants comfort, even after what he did today. he's the murderer, and yet he seeks this acceptance. it does make him feel more selfish, yes, but he is so grateful. he is so warm. ]
... I'll be okay. I feel bad making people worry about me so much, when I'm the one who caused the disruption today.
[ he doesn't think he deserves it, even as he sinks against richie ]
I hope she's received warmly. She deserves something kinder than what her ending was.
You shouldn't. People offer comfort when they want to. You haven't twisted any of our arms here, Yves.
[He leans his head against the younger man's, gives him a wee pat.]
I hope so too. I think it might be easier to let bygones be bygones, once you're off the hook over here.
...It's okay to feel rotten about it, too, though. We're not asking you to pretend it doesn't hurt. [Because it would. And it does. Taking a life is an existential eclipse, staggering regardless of circumstance or intentions.] We're only asking you show yourself the same forgiveness you spread to everyone else. It wasn't malicious, and it was gonna happen one way or another.
[ . . . it's probably true. it was always going to happen, whenever someone found out. and he just happened to be the first person to find out, and the first person to act. it was sudden because he thinks there is something horrible about watching people decide your fate in front of you when it's the last thing you want. sitting with the betrayal of what had yves had done, instead of the sharp and sudden slice of it.
he doesn't expect forgiveness, but he does know it was necessary. ]
... it's a little different for me. [ he can't forgive himself the way he'd forgive everyone else because he doesn't love himself like he loves everyone else. that's a fact. ] But... I'll at least try to not let it weigh me down too heavily, Monsieur Richie.
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no subject
... you can leave at any point if you want.
[ there is some worry that richie is here by obligation but... yves is selfish and greedy at heart. he doesn't want to let go. he wants to be loved so badly, even though right now when he doesn't deserve it in the slightest. ]
... I don't regret what I did. We'd just talked about it—how it's the right thing for someone's soul to be cleansed. I wish I could've done it so that I didn't scare everyone, but...
[ midtrials can't be signaled or else they just don't fucking happen ]
I just... betrayed my friend's trust. I told her I'd keep her secret. I'd protect her. She trusted me and only me...
[ yves is so warm and loving, it's easy to want to believe in him. but how horrible is it that this is what he'd do with it? ]
I can't forgive myself for that.
no subject
[Sorry, he wouldn't. Unless you suddenly unzip your skin and reveal you're the zodiac killer but what are the odds of that.
He listens quietly, gaze steady on him.]
...I know, it's...damn near impossible to reconcile. [He can't quite speak from experience, but he's got plenty imagination for it. Been next to it enough now that he knows what to expect.] But you gotta think about it from more than one angle. She was in pain, wasn't she? She didn't want to hurt anyone, but she was being made to.
And when we're told there's only one cure, then we've got very little choice. Especially when the risk is that she'd keep killing.
The girl may have trusted you with her secret, but frankly? At this point, protecting her means something very different than it would on any other day.
[His mouth thins. There's a guilty twinge in his gut — too many parallel conversations lately.]
Imagine not being able to trust your own thoughts. Waking up with blood on your hands and having something slinking around in your head, pushing you to keep at it, week by week. Sounds like hell to me.
no subject
be reasonable.
so he listens even as he pours wine into glasses for them both, nodding along. it's everything he thought about too. there was no other way. he didn't want her to be in pain. it's all things he's thought through.
it's just... nice to hear someone else confirm that he was right to think at least a few of these things ]
... it is. When I was whisked away in Zuriel's memories... I was out of control for a while. I attacked the others with a sword. I hated it. I didn't want to be a puppet.
[ so it tracks that he wouldn't want that for anyone else ]
... she didn't want to hurt anyone... but she didn't want to die.
I wish I could've given her another answer.
no subject
Richie will take his glass, but doesn't drink yet. Not until he gets a bead on how Yves is taking it. Which, as it turns out, is better than he'd hoped. There's a flash of protectiveness when he mentions being used himself. A pang of hurt, a little fresher — was that going to be the theme of these trips now? Pitting you against your people?
No matter. He's got enough problems in the here and now, no sense in borrowing more from anywhere else.]
I know. [He puts his glass down for the moment, slinging his arm around the boy's shoulder's, ducking his head to catch his eye.] And if there were a better one to give, we'd let her have it. I'm sorry. And I wish we could have helped. Both you, and her.
...If nothing else, we know for sure now that the dead aren't gone. It's not the end for her yet. And you haven't damned her soul, either. Quite the opposite.
no subject
the thing is that yves has been pulling back from people. earlier in the trial, he was the one giving out all the hugs. he was the comforting presence. so much and so often, he tries to make himself the comforting presence. but now people are afraid of him, in small ways, and that's made him pull away.
when richie offers the arm around his shoulders, he leans in automatically because in the end his soul is still twisted. he wants comfort, even after what he did today. he's the murderer, and yet he seeks this acceptance. it does make him feel more selfish, yes, but he is so grateful. he is so warm. ]
... I'll be okay. I feel bad making people worry about me so much, when I'm the one who caused the disruption today.
[ he doesn't think he deserves it, even as he sinks against richie ]
I hope she's received warmly. She deserves something kinder than what her ending was.
no subject
[He leans his head against the younger man's, gives him a wee pat.]
I hope so too. I think it might be easier to let bygones be bygones, once you're off the hook over here.
...It's okay to feel rotten about it, too, though. We're not asking you to pretend it doesn't hurt. [Because it would. And it does. Taking a life is an existential eclipse, staggering regardless of circumstance or intentions.] We're only asking you show yourself the same forgiveness you spread to everyone else. It wasn't malicious, and it was gonna happen one way or another.
no subject
he doesn't expect forgiveness, but he does know it was necessary. ]
... it's a little different for me. [ he can't forgive himself the way he'd forgive everyone else because he doesn't love himself like he loves everyone else. that's a fact. ] But... I'll at least try to not let it weigh me down too heavily, Monsieur Richie.
Just... need some time.